Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Michael Bay Ninja Turtles Project: Raph Is An Alcoholic! (Not Really, But Why Not?)

I used to watch the '89 TMNT when the early episodes re-aired in the mid to late 90's, and damn was it some good cartoons. TMNT, of course, is the text-message-abbreviation of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' which, despite the myriad of bomb threats and assassination attempts on his life and family, Michael Bay is still making into a movie. The designs for the new turtles (who are now aliens but still referred to as mutants... kind of like Broo) were leaked today, and although they've been removed from major media outlets, a quick Google search will still bring up the grainy, off-centered images. I'll give you a second to find them, then we'll meet back here for farther assessment...

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*cough*

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NOW BEFORE YOU FREAK, JUST HEAR ME OUT! Yes, I know Raphael has a du-rag. Yes, I know Donatello has.... goggles?? But take a second to assess how bad that actually is. New fans can actually tell their asses apart by way of more than one, sometimes difficult to remember detail. Remember in thriller movies when the guy had to remember which colored wire to cut? I would be terrible at that. And I was terrible at remembering Ninja Turtles when I was a dumb, snotty youth.

Of course, what people are most upset at is that Michael Bay is directing the picture. "FUCKING MICHAEL BAY. Oh, he's so terrible. He made those movies I didn't like with the robots." What I've realized, though, is that he was totally out of his element with them robot flicks. The original Transformers show, and it's spin-offs, had a very serious vibe and complex mythology. But here was the director of Bad Boys trying to tell a story that was essentially Bad Boy Bots.

TMNT, on the other hand, is more in line with the silly, action-oriented Michael Bay style. Granted, it's a different kind of silly, but there's no doubt in my mind it will translate better to live action than whatever the hell the director of the 90's turtles movies was thinking.

Now you're with me.


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